The Hindu Business Line : Learning to be Dad

Recently, a girl from a village was delivered of a baby that had to remain in the ICU, while she was discharged from hospital. The new dad would travel to the hospital every day with expressed breast milk, which he understood was very important for the baby. A decade ago, a person in a similar situation would probably have said ‘let the hospital take care of it',” recounts Dr Anuradha S., Obstetrician and Gynaecologist at The Cradle, a quality birthing centre in Bangalore.

Traditionally, fathers-to-be and new fathers in India have been anxious figures hovering in the background as the wife, older female relatives and doctors manage the business of pregnancy, childbirth and caring for the newborn.

For a host of reasons, men today are increasingly shedding this attitude and emerging as sensitive and hands-on partners and parents.

The wait

Manoj Kumar, 29, the proud father of a 5-month-old, recalls the anxious months of waiting: “I can never express how I felt the moment I found out (about the pregnancy). I was a little scared. I wondered how I would manage the new responsibility of fatherhood.” During the nine months that follow the ‘big news', dad-to-be often finds himself in the firing line, as his spouse grapples with the accompanying physical changes and emotional swings. With awareness and education, today's expectant fathers are handling this well. Says Dr Anuradha, “One of my patients went through depression during pregnancy but her husband was very supportive and calm during her tantrums. This was unheard of ten years ago.”

Sandeep, an expectant dad, hopes his wife likes his cooking. She is in the last few weeks of pregnancy and he has taken over the kitchen, as their parents are unable to help at the moment.

And when the expectant mother worries about various symptoms down the weeks, it is not unusual for hubby dear to get online and find explanations to convince her that nothing is wrong.

“Earlier, when a woman had problems (during pregnancy), she turned to older female relatives. Now, with nuclear families, there are only two people in the house and the husband finds himself at a loss,” explains Dr Mohan Chandavarkar, a senior obstetrician and gynaecologist in Mumbai.

Realising the changing needs, many fathers-to-be now make it a point to be present at as many antenatal appointments as possible. Many hospitals also offer antenatal classes where expectant fathers learn how to take care of the new mother and baby. Says Dr R. Kishore Kumar, neonatologist and paediatrician who is the CEO and MD of The Cradle, “During antenatal ultrasound scans, we encourage dads-to-be to come along. We even have a separate monitor for them. They are thrilled and excited at seeing these first images of baby. I believe family bonding starts here.”

Baby's almost here

In India, women traditionally move to their mother's place for delivery. But that is not going uncontested these days. “Lots of dads-to-be get upset about their wives going away for delivery, as they cannot be a part of the experience then. We get a lot of requests to convince them against this,” says Dr Anuradha.

While even until a decade ago, the labour room remained largely out of bounds for the dad-to-be, the situation is much changed today. Doctors also realise that it is beneficial to have the husband around. Says Dr Anupama Rohidekar at Columbia Asia Hospitals, Bangalore, “Most men come out feeling more emotionally connected to the wife and appreciate what she has been through — so we encourage this.”

Srinath Metla was present during the births of his two sons. Describing the experience, he says, “A father feels tremendous emotional pressure — though he may be under no physical pressure.”

“Petrified” is how first-time dad Prajwal Crasta, 29, describes his state when he stepped into the labour room. He found it both “shocking and magical” when his daughter was born. He was asked to cut the umbilical cord, and remembers that his “hands shook”. “I spoke about this to everyone for two to three days,” says Crasta, whose daughter is now two months old. As Dr Anuradha observes, “One cannot predict reactions during an event like birth. Some dads-to-be are inquisitive. A few come with half-knowledge from the Net and this can get a bit cumbersome. Some dads also become a bit shaky during the procedure.” But most dads are careful to remain out of the doctors' way and try and be supportive towards their partner. They also have the opportunity to record the precious moments on camera.

Baby has arrived

After being fussed over for nine months, the mother will suddenly find all the attention swept towards baby. This can be upsetting at times, especially when her hormones play truant. As Dr Kishore observes with some irritation, “As soon as the baby arrives, some dads ask the standard questions: ‘What time was the baby born?' ‘Is it a boy or girl?', and then run off to talk to relatives. (But) This is a time to comfort your wife and bond with your baby.”

As mother and baby spend the next couple of days at hospital, usually an older female relative or nanny is around to help. But doctors say this is again a good opportunity for dad to involve himself and start bonding with the baby right away.

Post-partum support

Some new dads like Niranjan Murthy care for their newborn as much as possible, as they don't wish to “trouble mother-in-law”. The new mother also needs time to recover from childbirth. Occasionally, a new mom may slip into post-partum depression and find it difficult to cope with the baby. In a nuclear family, it is again the father who has to find the resources to cope with this scenario.

Generation gap

Older relatives often insist on traditional practices in caring for the new mother such as keeping her housebound and restricting her diet. Modern-day doctors, however, do not endorse such practices and look to new dads to step in and ensure that the new mother returns to a normal lifestyle as quickly as possible.

Daddy's all alone

When a woman moves to her parental home for delivery, she often stays on for a few months after the birth. This can leave the new father feeling rather lonely and deprived of the experience of bonding with his baby, says Dr Phanibhushan, Neonatologist at Columbia Asia Hospitals. If mom and baby are in the same city, then dad sometimes moves in with them temporarily. But when huge distances separate them, the new family today increasingly relies on telephone and Internet — the Web camera in particular — to keep in touch.

Back to work

Paternity leave is a sore point with many new dads. Few employers in India give them more than a week's paid leave post-birth. This could mean that just when dad is getting the hang of keeping baby's neck steady and rocking him/her to sleep, work beckons. Says Dr Phanibhushan, “Even if the baby is in the ICU, they (dads) have to go back to work. They tell me, ‘Doctor, I need to get back. There is a lot of pressure'. A majority of them feel helpless.”

Life Changes

With double incomes and planned parenthood, dads today seem to be enjoying parenting much more.

But the men however acknowledge the attendant strain on a working mother who remains the primary caregiver. Taking advantage of modern workplace arrangements such as flexi-timings and work-from-home, many new dads today make an effort to be around baby when mom can't, pitch in with domestic duties, and share baby duties before and after work. The arrival of baby also spurs dad towards conscientious choices that range from avoiding a risky career move to skipping pub-hopping nights. It helps to have an understanding peer group too. Says Manoj, “Colleagues and friends understand when I can't join them for after-office outings.” And, yes, you do find more and more men discussing parenting problems amongst themselves.