Overnight, Tashan has gone all the way to the top of the list of what I call an ‘item movie’, where not just the song(s) but the entire movie is a sequence of items — the sets, the dialogues and the stars. What you do is this — you borrow or steal bits and pieces of super-successful films (Tashan has large tracts of Sholay and Deewar), rearrange the pieces with some spit and polish, hire the latest popular faces to hang the whole on, and lurch from one item to another.

On paper, Tashan has a big star cast. Anil Kapoor, back in the Yashraj fold after 17 years, camp regular Saif Ali Khan, YRF-newbie Akshay Kumar and the new-look, twig-thin Kareena.

Except, when they start doing the shoulder-to-shoulder march, filched from countless Hollywood and Bollywood actioners, what you see is not the star but a walking-talking accessorised human: gamcha, stubble, and scowl (Akshay), faux leatherite jacket, triple-decker gold chains, designer shades (Anil), just-short of handle-bar moustache, khakhi cargoes, tight tees (Saif), waved blond tresses, a Y-shape runner caressing bare, ultra-toned midriff, ripped shorts (Kareena).

Just like Aishwarya in Dhoom 2, remember?

Not surprising, because the director of Tashan, Vijay Krishna Acharya, had written Dhoom, with the same emphasis on creating kitschy-cool phrases: Aish keeps using ‘like’ as a conjunction, just the way pre-teens and permanently under-aged people across the globe use it, not as a phrase which means ‘I like’. Dhoom’s energy came from the way the stars had been arranged to come and go in quick cuts. The lines helped, doubtless, but the action was swift and sure, and there was enough going on between Aish and Hrithik to keep us going.

Tashan is neither tribute nor spoof. It’s just an uneasy in-between creature, a dressed up-to-the-nines spectacle, meandering around the countryside (literally, from Rajasthan to Kerala and places in between), looking for sporadic excitement. And in the acts, which are, despite some smart lines, a stockpile of clichés: Akshay’s rustic ganga-kinarewala, Anil’s angrezi-demanding Bhaiyyaji, Saif’s ultra-cool dude, and Kareena’s good-bad girl.

These are not actors being played to their strengths; these are five-star mannequins primed to deliver at the press of a button.

Doesn’t press any of mine, sorry. And judging by the way the box office is reacting, looks as if it hasn’t of the audience at large either. What’s going on here? Has Yashraj forgotten the art of telling stories which were about something? Are our so-called stars so slight that they can get overpowered by window dressing? And given that most of them are busy signing on with projects which lead straight to the maws of the lycra-brocade fitting rooms, is there any hope left? For the kind of movies which moved you, entertained you, and left you in a place you hadn’t been before, or at least moved you a few inches from your vantage.

Last year was meant to be a Yashraj sweep. It turned out to be an own goal, except, to an extent, for Chak De. In 2007 the biggest production house in the country, with a record-breaking run of successful entertainers, went into a downward spiral — of creating films which were all icing, no cake. One lick and it was all in the air. All the rest — right from Tara Rum Pum, to Jhoom Barabar Jhoom (which Tashan resembles most strongly in terms of form, or rather, lack of it), to Aaja Nachle to Lagaa Chunari Mein Daag — were ensemble pieces which couldn’t marry content and style to make a memorable movie. Will YRF rebound from its latest debacle? Tashan didn’t run in several multiplex chains, including PVR and Adlabs, because of a tussle on percentage of returns: Yashraj wanted more; the exhibitors refused; this week on, terms having been settled, the film is running in most multiplexes. How did the losses stack up? We’ll know in a couple of weeks, but as far as the audience is concerned, Yashraj needs to re-discover its groove.

The promos for its subsequent films of the year are already out. Roadside Romeo (animation) is being pitched as a film not just for kids, but for the whole family. It’s been voiced by Saif and Kareena, following the footsteps of Shah Rukh (The Incredibles) and Amitabh (The March of The Penguins). What’s different about Roadside Romeo is that its not a Hollywod dub, but a Bollywood original. Thoda Pyar Thoda Magic, starring Saif and Rani, helmed by Kunal Kohli, brings memories of the same team in Hum Tum. And Bachna Ae Haseenon, starring Ranbir Raj Kapoor with Deepika Padukone and a couple of other hotties, looks and sounds like a rom com aimed at the ever-expanding youth market.

But the film everyone’s waiting for is Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi which will re-unite Aditya Chopra and Shah Rukh Khan after eight years (Mohabbatein was their last). These are the guys who have given Hindi cinema one of its biggest hits in 1995, Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge. It also gave us a story and characters that have stood the test of time: more than 10 years on, we remember the film with great fondness.

What we are looking for is not just Tashan (loosely translated as ‘attitude’ in Punjabi/ Hindi). We want magic, only the way movies can deliver it. Is anybody from YRF listening?

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