The Hindu Business Line : Creating common ground

Recently, when Joseph Cherian, a 50-something CEO of a travel advisory service, said that he was going to a rock show at one of the city's premium clubs, many of his peers raised their eyebrows. "Kinda old for that sort of thing, aren't you, Joe," was their quizzical comment.

However, Cherian had his reasons for going to the rock show. He wanted to connect with his 19-year-old son. "My son and I are on two different wavelengths, there seems to be no meeting point at all. So I decided that I have to take the first step," he says.

And so he ventured forth, with that crucial first step, into the hitherto uncharted territory of campus jam sessions, unbridled rock revelry and their attendant indulgences of alcohol and marijuana. The impact that this had on him was shocking to say the least! "Once my son realised that I will not be judgemental, he opened up. But it was scary listening to him."

The examples of parents bridging the generation gap when it comes to their children's choice of entertainment are few and far between and Cherian's open-mindedness is just one in a million. Because, for a large majority of Indian parents, as long as their whiz kid keeps those `A' grades coming in, he/she is a well-rounded individual.

Says Asha Ramani, a social worker, "Kids today are another status symbol like the holidays, the art, the cars and the castles on the Rhine. Upper and upper middle-class Indian parents are vying with each other to talk about their Ivy League Phi Beta Kappa children (high achievers)." But grades and academic excellence are not the only benchmarks against which one gauges a child's well being. And, there have a number of cases of seemingly successful kids pulling the plug.

A large number of parents work hard at bridging the gap between them and their children. Jayraj Rau, Vice-President and Client Services Director J. Walter Thompson, is one such parent. He says that today there are a lot of entertainment options like the movies, play stations, sport and the like, which can provide common ground.

But, he does think, that there is a psychological gap between the parents and the children and a kind of distancing starts happening by the time the child is around 12 or 13. At this time, kids seek out their own friends; spend more time in their own rooms and so on.

How do the youngsters react to this?

"It's really sick how Rishi's parents stay back and try to fraternise at the party," says 14-year-old Karthik.

"Also, his mother dances," frowns the teenager in obvious disdain, making it only too clear that the worst sin a parent can commit is to gate-crash into their child's party.

But teenagers' universal dread towards parental intrusions into teen bashes is understandable. With the vast amount of pressure kids are under today, they need to cut loose from the grind and in teen terminology, `chill out'. And since alcohol and drugs would be part of the `chilling out' package, parents are an absolute `No, no.'

Any wonder then that, till now, we've seen just two instances of parents tuning into the unwind zones of Gen-X. But if it's not the done thing to be connecting at the level of your kid, it's also because the amount of time for recreation and leisure is limited, thanks to demanding careers and hectic work schedules. Strenuous and stressful workloads have made individual space and quality time for oneself more important than unwinding as a family unit.

If Rajesh Kumar would like to play golf, then Prem Thomas must swim come hell and high water. And, Lalitha desperately needs some time with her favourite book. It's not easy for these parents to go to a noisy rock concert and get their eardrums blown off. Or, go fishing with the teeanged son on that rare and precious holiday.

Though kids today are pampered in the material sense- with vehicles, cell phones, credit cards and what have you; the pressures on young people today are very heavy. Not all of them are competitive and can cope with the pressure. So in the little time they manage for leisure, they'd rather hang out with friends.

Coming to basic recreation like watching television, a recent experience of a Chennai chartered accountant working in a multinational company is an eye-opener. Sitting with her teenage sons, watching TV one evening, Asha Rajan (name changed on request) was quite embarrassed at the content of the serials. Keeping her discomfiture in check, she kept a straight face and even attempted laughing along with her sons, all the time being shocked at the kind of exposure her sons were having. "And so many years of it too," she said.

She kept her cool, made no comments at the content of the serial, and after a while a few laconic comments opened up the communication channels. "And these were more direct and freer than ever before," she says.

With some effort, she can now sit through at least a couple of these sit-coms, if that's what it takes to get to communicate with her sons. She also found that after some time, the kids would flip the channel when the scenes became lurid.

Opportunities to bridge the gap are many. But how many parents are willing is the question.

Picture by Shaju John

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Creating common ground